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Auntie Svetty’s Astrological and Life Advice for 12/3 - 12/9

On Dec 1st of 2023, Mercury enters Capricorn and we are all feeling very practical. Our communication is clear and direct. Capricorn is the most conservative sign of the zodiac. Our thoughts are easiest to organize here. We see things like puzzle pieces and we have no trouble fitting them together. Our minds benefit from this supportive placement of Mercury through December 5th. If you need to say something, take advantage of this supportive placement while you can. December 5th is the Last Quarter Moon in Virgo. The energy supporting our intellect and communication shifts to thoughts of sex and intimacy. On December 4th at 1:51 Venus enters Scorpio. This should intensify our romantic relations. If you can save this time for some afternoon delight, it could be the most fantastic love-making of your life. Call in sick from work and make mad passionate love to your partner if you can. It’s a Monday. Extend your weekend. We are feeling intensely intimate with those we already had trusting, loving relationships with. It is time for sex, more sex, and then a little bit of sex. After that, have some sex. If you simply must go to work, consider having sex with a close coworker while at work. Ask for consent. I recommend bullet-pointing the advantages of a sex relationship with your work friend prior to December 5th when you’re feeling practical, BEFORE you’re just overcome with desire to be sexually intimate with everyone you feel close to.

Be careful who you spend time with. It’s likely to feel like a good decision at the time and maybe like something you shouldn’t have done by December 6th. On December 6th, Neptune, which has been retrograde since June of 2023, goes direct in Pisces at 8:22 am. It’s like you were about to orgasm when you noticed the neighbor kids are watching through the window pointing and laughing at you. Aren’t they supposed to be at school? Aren’t you supposed to be at work? Neptune likes to scramble our brains and cause confusion and Pisces is a dreamlike state to begin with. Dreams are at their weirdest lately. Is this really happening? Did all that sex really happen? Did I really start an affair with my coworker? Was the sex I had with my spouse really as intense and fantastic as I remember it? Why did I start having sex with my coworker while feeling so intensely close to my current partner? Why did it seem like such a good idea at the time?

Now that you know exactly how the upcoming week is going to go for you, let’s talk about my upcoming show TRIGGER ALERT! There are good ideas and there are bad ideas. There are things you should do in front of people, and there are things you shouldn’t start doing until you make sure the blinds are closed. TRIGGER ALERT is a holiday musical about income inequality and the blinds are WIDE OPEN. This week I’m wondering why this show came out of me and should I shut the blinds before it begins? Should I burn the house down starting with the drapes? Should I start over? The thing is: neither of us will be sorry we started the act that got us caught by the neighbors, we are sorry we didn’t close the blinds before we got started. I don’t know how to close the blinds at this point. The string got all caught up and tangled. A lot of the blinds are bent. When I pull on the strings, one side goes higher and the other side rockets open sideways.

While Capricorn is helping me communicate clearly, I’d like to state that TRIGGER ALERT is a parody about the vast income inequality between the working poor and the one percent. In order to make my point, if there is one, caricatures reinforcing stereotypes for both outrageously poor and outrageously rich characters are explored and personified and drug addiction is sung about casually in a way that is intended to make you uncomfortable. Don’t stand outside the window and watch your neighbors have sex if watching sex offends you. You could direct your gaze elsewhere. You could get out of the neighbor’s yard. Don’t come to my musical if you don’t want to be challenged.

I’ve been canceled in this very uptight town before. I’ve been wondering if this show will get me canceled again. Conservative Capricorn says maybe I shouldn’t have written a song about bleeding out of my ass, but you know what? We write what we know, and I have had some very difficult times in my life. If I can turn them into funny performances and laugh at them myself, then I have won whether or not others can relate. Art is therapy. It heals. I need healing.

Have I been selfish this week on this platform, shamelessly promoting my show and talking about myself? Write your own astrological blog if you don’t like this one. Will my holiday musical offend some people who can’t relate to it? Maybe they should stop staring in my window when the blinds are open if they don’t like what they’re looking at. It’s called TRIGGER ALERT for a reason. It premieres Dec 22nd at AFRU Gallery. Door at 8. Show starts at 8:30 and lasts one hour. Is it funny? Yes. Is it horrifying? Yes. Is it for everyone? YOU KIDS GET OUT OF MY YARD!!! GET OUT OF HERE!!!

That’s all I have for you this week. Write your own holiday musical about income inequality if you don’t like mine. None of you asked me for advice this week, but I wrote a column anyway. I’m disappointed but feeling intensely close to you, and that’s the theme for the week: It’s kind of like we just made love and now I wish we hadn’t.

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