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Auntie Svetty’s Astrological and Life Advice for Sunday, June 30, 2024

Jun 29 – 3:06 pm – Saturn Retrograde

Jul  1 – 12:13 am – Jupiter semi-square Chiron

Jul  2 – 6:40 am – Neptune Retrograde

Jul  2 – 8:50 am – Mercury enters Leo

Jul  5 – 6:57 pm – New Moon in Cancer

Saturn retrograde is a rather serious subject in Astrology. Let us instead start with a witchy incantation together: Big McDonald’s in the Sky - It’s Time to End the Orange Guy. Big McDonald’s in the Sky - It’s Time to End the Orange Guy. It helps to light a candle first and wave around a sacrificed chicken while you dance in the shape of a pentagram. A small child will do if you don’t have a chicken to spare. Keep saying it. Wave the chicken higher! He’s seventy-eight and he shits his pants. How much longer do we have to wait?  

Alright, back to Saturn retrograde. Saturn is serious, cold, and harsh like my feelings toward the criminally convicted sexual abuser and felon who was once the president of our country. When Saturn is retrograde it returns our karma. That could be rewards or punishments based on how disciplined or undisciplined we have been. Honestly, I think if you spent more time putting pins in the heart of a Donald Trump Voodoo doll we wouldn’t still be waiting. It’s too bad he doesn’t have a barber or we’d have access to his hair. In middle school I killed my school’s football coach with Voodoo. I got his hair right out of his hairbrush in gym class. I sewed it into a doll during home-economics class. Inside the chest cavity, with the hair, I  placed a photo of Mr. Betternotsayhisrealname that I cut out from the school annual. I did all sorts of horrific things to the doll to work out all the hate I was feeling including ripping the doll’s leg off at the knee. The very next day Mr. Betternotsayhisrealname came to school with a huge metal thing-a-ma-bob holding his knee together. My best friend (only friend) at the time had assisted in making the doll with me and were astonished and delighted that our plan had worked. We stuck more pins in his heart, crotch, head, eyes, and penis and buried the doll in a shoe box with a piece of dog-shit. I believe it was her dog’s shit, not mine. Six months later Mr. Betternotsayhisrealname was dead from Lou Gehrig’s Disease. I never shed a tear or had a single pang of guilt. Believe me when I say he had it coming. Please keep saying the incantation and consider making a voodoo doll of Donald Trump. I know we can’t get the hair… It’s so frustrating because if we could…………..

I recently learned that I share a birthdate with Napoleon Bonaparte. I feel exposed. It may or may not surprise you to hear I attended many anger management classes in my teens and barely escaped a life of being a psychopath with a chainsaw murder record. Besides Mr. Betternotsayhisrealname I have no other victims of my witchcraft that wound up dead. The hardest I ever tried to kill again was a woman who gave me a ticket on Tri-Met even though I had paid the full fare in cash. She ruthlessly ticketed me $180 for the driver’s mistake in giving me an honored citizen’s ticket even though I had paid the full price. I am not an honored citizen, but I never said I was. I took the case to court and won.   The ticket was dismissed. I was shocked to see her that day in court as I had been squeezing her heart in my dreams for weeks and mercilessly attempting to kill her. It was legitimately surprising to see her alive the day of the court hearing. I was sure I had killed her just as I had ended the school football coach who deserved it. It was a beautiful summer day and everyone with a case before the judge was asked to try to mediate our cases if we could to avoid trial. I had to sit at a table with that woman. She offered that she could reduce my fine to half price and we could both get out of there to enjoy the sunny day. I told her I paid the full fare in cash the day she wrote me the ticket, and if she had plans she should cancel them. It took every fiber of my being to not use the word “cunt’ as I stared her down and tried to stop her heart with my gaze. Why wouldn’t she die????    

When it was time to present my case to the judge you would have thought you were watching Perry Mason, Matlock, or LA Law. I had months of bank statements highlighting my regular patronage of Max Light Rail showing receipts for payment at the regular price. I had copies of my bus ticket showing that an Honored Citizen Ticket does not say “Honored Citizen” on it, it merely has the letter “H” on it. Is this an hourly ticket?   “How should I know,” I asked the judge as I cited a law that says it’s reasonable to trust a professional to do their job professionally as I trusted a bus operator to hand me the right ticket after paying the full fare. I also cited statistics showing that Tri-Met Fare Police target bus lines that serve historically poor neighborhoods. One thing I will say about our justice system: when I had my day in court against Tri-Met, that judge listened to everything I said, looked at all my evidence, let me rant and rave, and then he threw the case out. He then admonished the ticket agent in front of me. As we walked out of the court room I deliberately kept pace with her so I could gloat and enjoy every last second of her disdain at losing and being told she was unjust in giving the ticket in the first place. It was a far better reward to enjoy than if squeezing her heart in my dreams had worked. Years after this incident I happened to see this same Tri-Met officer out of uniform with what appeared to be her young son. I made certain to make eye contact and she definitely recognized me. I believe it was the son’s love and need to have a mother that prevented my witchcraft from killing her before the trial, but I also wondered if that kid would be better off without such a cunt for a mother.   

Is there a moral to this story? I need some time to think on that. Those anger management classes I attended as a teenager may or may not have worked as well as they were supposed to. Imagine what I could do if I had an army like Napoleon Bonaparte! And I’m Five Foot Eight! I’m really not sure what I’m trying to say here. Fighting that ticket in court cost me a day’s pay at work which at the time was about equal to the ticket I didn’t have to pay. Witchcraft doesn’t always work, but sometimes it does. Sometimes though, the needs of little boys to have their mother supersedes our witchcraft if it’s selfish or overkill. I really don’t care if that woman is alive or dead today, but I will agree she never deserved death for what she did to me. Winning my case against her was everything to me at the time and far better than her being dead. We are off track though.  Let’s get back to Astrology.

Jupiter is semi-square Chiron on July 1st. Jupiter is a planet of luck and expansion. Chiron is the wounded healer.  This means you’ll sort of face off with an old problem that seems like a bigger deal than it might truly be. Hmmmmm…..  I wonder if this is why I told that story.  That whole ordeal and trial with Tri-Met all occurred before the Pandemic and all the injustices we faced during the Donald Trump years. It seems silly now that I got so upset then and tried on the regular to kill that woman by visually squeezing her heart in my dreams and waking meditations, but imagine how upset the reincarnation of Napoleon is going to get if she faces any real injustices!!!! Like DT being RE-ELECTED!!!!! Ugh.     Please don’t tell anyone I am the reincarnation of Napoleon Bonaparte with shared astrological traits. I already can’t get anyone to date me.   

Neptune is retrograde on July 2nd. Neptune is so mysterious! I’m going to Vashon Island July 2nd. I’m going to wear the gaudiest red, white, and blue outfit to greet my friend in. It’s time for the gays and the miscreants to reclaim the American flag. Republicans are now a criminal organization led by a convicted felon who wants to take away your birth control. What does this have to do with Neptune? I told you “Neptune is mysterious.” Listen, two out of three times I’ve tried to kill people with witchcraft, it didn’t work. My faith is waning. If witchcraft isn’t real maybe astrology isn’t? It really shakes me when my witchcraft fails to kill people. Why? Why the failure?  

Mercury enters Leo on July 2nd helping us communicate in a grandiose style. People love the drama. Give it to them. There’s a new moon in Cancer on July 5th. My grandma Nellie’s birthday would be July 5th but she’s passed on. Grandma used to say, “never loan a friend more money than the friendship is worth to you.” On that piece of good advice I think we should wrap things up.  

Auntie Svetty loves you and would never, NEVER squeeze your heart energetically to try and kill you while you were sleeping (unless you made her mad). It could be Science is real, witchcraft isn’t, and this blog is nonsense… or the Big McDonald’s in the Sky will claim Donald Trump’s life soon because your witchcraft is working, science is only partially real, and the planets govern over everything? I believe in you! I believe in the planets! Keep trying! Keep trying! One out of three times it has worked for me!

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