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Auntie Svetty’s Astrological and Life Advice for Sunday, May 26, 2024

Updated: May 28

THWAAP!  The ruler slaps the table and jolts you awake. Looming above you it’s your Aunt Svetty bringing justice to your tabletop!  “Order in the Court!” she cries and slaps the ruler down again on your tiny wooden desk. “What the hell is she mad about?” You think. “She said “Enjoy! Enjoy!” And you did. Now, she’s mad and screaming “Out of the Botticelli Painting, Asshole!” Why is she dressed as a nun, and why does it smell like wet leather? 

“Stand up and spread ‘em,” she growls, and is already patting you down.  

Hello. Yes. It is I, your Auntie Svetty. Ocassionally, I’m going to give the wrong advice! Just because I said the energies were right for you to indulge, doesn’t mean a little moderation isn’t okay as well. You have free will. I want credit when I'm right, and you can take the blame for your own stupid mistakes when I’m wrong. Why have I found this in your sock? (Shoves suspicious material in your face). Oh, you know what I’ve found! It’s my nun habit that smells like leather and I’m about to bring down some hard lessons on your palms if you don’t listen up sharp. Look at me when I’m looming menacingly above you!   

Listen, we are all just doing our best these days. An unusual amount of solar activity and light has us over-activated and processing way too much information. It’s not drizzling a little energy, IT IS POURING ON US, SCREAMING AT US TO EVOLVE. It is raining cats and dogs in energy upon us. I don’t know why I’m mad, I just know I’m going to smack the shit out of your hand with this ruler. I’m already wearing this leather nun habit. I already have you pinned on this tiny desk. Why shouldn’t I smack the shit out of your hand?   

Wait. Stop. Don’t you know to chew with your mouth closed? Why does it even matter? Who taught us all these societal norms anyway? What is your value? Do you value yourself? Who do you value? Value Village? What are you good at? What’s under the surface though? What patterns make you sometimes think less of yourself? It is time to reconsider. Pluto is at 2 degrees of Aquarius, sextile the moon and trine the sun. Both of these patterns in evolutionary astrology speak to the last quarter phase. What does Aquarian Energy feel like? It is meant to accelerate our experiences. It can feel shocking. It can take us from the present moment and move us into a new time. A lot of time you can get triggered into the past, but are you finding that you are also able to time travel into the future? You can! Where would your life be in the future if you made certain changes now? Do you even know who you are? Do you even have an individual sense of yourself as part of the energetic whole? What flow feels right to you? What is your own personal truth? Are you living it or….   

DO I HAVE TO SMACK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU WITH THIS RULER ??? Your parents had their own trauma to deal with and it is time for you to grow up and deal with yours. Your emotional needs are worthwhile, why aren’t you tending to them? It is time to respond to old patterns in new ways. I’m trying to help you be an agent of change. The ruler is coming down repeatedly on your bare skin if you can’t tell me WHY DO YOU KEEP CARRYING THIS BACKPACK OF HEAVY ROCKS AROUND!!!  

Unburden yourself from that pack or I am hitting you repeatedly in the face with this ruler. Look at me while I threaten to smack you! Why do you keep carrying this? WHY DON’T YOU TAKE THE ACTIONS YOU NEED TO TAKE TO GET SAFE and FREE? Sit still. Look pretty while I smack you in the face repeatedly. We are going to unpack this bag of rocks you carry around whether or not that’s what you want to do right now. Did someone else give you these rocks you carry around? As I take out these rocks and load them in your arms from your emotional backpack, tell me, do these rocks even belong to you? Is holding all these foul ideas about yourself making your arms tired? What has it done to your back? Here’s three more for your load: Imagine what these heavy rocks have been doing to your soul. Do you feel them all in your arms? Do you feel your arms aching? Now! Drop them. 

It is time to let these heavy burdens go. Release. Release. Release. Let go of the FUCKING ROCKS! Ahh... I am sorry I had to beat your hands and threaten your pretty face to make my point today. Forgive me for pushing the sharp corners of my meter stick into the soft folds of your throat. The fucking full moon in Sagittarius wants you to let go of everything that isn’t serving you. You cannot keep carrying all these rocks around. These are not even your rocks! PUT THEM DOWN AND LET THEM BE!!!   

OMG! Look how dirty! Look how they’ve soiled your skin and hair! Oh, the soot! It’s all over your face and hair and clothes! Now, I must lick my fingers and give you a spit bath. We are going to spit wash the grime of rotten ideas other people told you and rub it off your face with my thumbs or I will beat you with the ruler again! Ahhhh... do we feel all better? I have repeatedly licked my fingers and rubbed your cheeks raw and now I’m smiling at you: Sometimes life’s lessons are painful to learn. Sometimes we learn them ourselves and sometimes we learn them when someone we love beats us mercilessly with a ruler while screaming that we must let go of burdens we never agreed to carry. It is time to grow the fuck up and embrace the greatness for which you were born. You cannot do that carrying burdens that are not your own. Let it all go. Release. Release. Release. My sweet, sweet innocent soul! We must let go during the full moon or our back packs get too heavy! You were never meant to have a crooked back, but alas now you have one so you must walk crooked miles. Time is speeding up! There is not time for you to walk crooked miles in circles anymore. WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME . 

Now that we have properly emptied your emotional pack,  and you have admitted that you are a bruised, emotionally beaten child, it is time for you to grow the courage of a soldier and quickly. We shall leave this pile of rocks here and you will move on with your empty pack. If you insist on ignoring your emotional and energetic needs, then I will have no choice, but to find you again and discipline you some more with this meter stick. You are lucky it was me and not Saturn. You are lucky that your pack is empty now and you can fill it with what is coming! It is time for Jupiter! Jupiter! Jupiter! Jupiter is sextile Neptune on May 23rd,  and it’s semi-square the True Node on the 24th, and on May 25th, Jupiter is entering Gemini. It’s quintile Saturn on May 28th. I predict Saturn’s whip will lash your soft tush on the 28th if you want to know the truth. The Universe isn’t done beating its lessons into you this week. Don’t forget, May 30th, we experience the last quarter moon. I am exhausted from hitting you, but  you should be glad it was just me and not your shadow self swinging that bag full of boulders at your head to teach you. Your shadow self, he wants blood… your own!    

I know you did not expect an energetic beating today. The Botticelli painting is over. I told you. It is time for you to sit in your chair of destiny soon. I don’t know where you left it, but I do know YOU WILL NOT PICK UP THOSE ROCKS AGAIN. You will venture forward on your own with your empty pack toward your true destiny. You are fresh-faced and ready for adventure. The bruises I gave you will remind you that there are consequences when we neglect our spiritual needs and carry the burdens of others in our packs instead of the supplies we need to get by with. I know you would have rather learned the lesson without me beating you with a ruler dressed in a leather habit, but now that time is speeding up I needed you to catch up quickly and DO WHAT IS BEING ASKED OF YOU BY THE ENTIRE HEAVENS, DEAR!!!! Jupiter for fuck’s sake! Jupiter! 


Now, unless you want me to pull down your britches and get to work on that little ass of yours you’d best get to skiddadling down a true and righteous path of your choosing. If you don’t want what’s going to happen if you stick around here,  then it is time to move. Quit showing your ass and get moving. Time is speeding up! There is not time for you to act like a child. Jupiter is expanding our lessons. The energy continues and continues, the downpour does not cease. If you don’t want to get caught in the deluge you’ve got to move! Quit whimpering about your bruises and get to marching uphill. It turns out this wet leather I’m wearing is slowing me down much like those rocks in the pack you left behind. Go ahead without me. There’s actually a corset in the back of my habit I have to unlace myself. Go on! I swear to god I will beat you with this ruler again if you don’t get moving. Never mind why I’m loading up the rocks you tried to leave behind into my skirt. GO! Before you drown. Hurry!  

It isn’t going to be an easy week. Good luck with it. Auntie Svetty loves you and isn’t mad at all, but you can’t stay here! Go! I’m drowning. You have got to get up the hill. I will be fine. I will use these boulders as a flotation device. See you next week on the other side of the hill! GO!

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